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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
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If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now.
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Everyday is a new chance to be a better person, to do good and correct past mistakes.
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Happiness comes with a price tag. If you are smiling, you have already paid for it in past.
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I want to be the reason why you fall asleep with your phone in your hand.
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It’s sad how social networking sites kill relationships, friendships and trust in people.
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Love never dies…only the lover changes. :P
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Never do something permanently stupid just b’coz you are temporarily upset.
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Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
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Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
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They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
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It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
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I want to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.
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I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
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Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind!
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Perv.” He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.?
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I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.
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Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?
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If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
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She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.
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If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.
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Goodbyes, they often come in waves.
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From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
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Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.
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